"We haven't done the Christmas card thing," said Dan Towery, on how the family deals with the holidays without their daughter. "You can't dwell but you can't forget."

Towery and his wife, Margie, were among the roughly 25 people who attended a candlelight vigil sponsored by Mothers Against Drunk Driving at Riehle Plaza on Tuesday to remember friends and family who have died. Most were killed by intoxicated drivers.

Ron Haynes, regional coordinator of The Compassionate Friends, was the event's keynote speaker and offered ways to deal with the holidays while enduring the loss of a loved one.

"No other time of the year evokes nostalgia for a family together," he said. "Give yourself permission to change your traditions and rituals if you want to. Observe the holidays in ways that feel comfortable to you. There's no right way and no wrong way."

Haynes knows from experience. His 20-year-old son, Tom, drowned in Lake Havasu, Ariz., in 1996.

The first Christmas after Sarah Towery's death, her family set a place at the dinner table. While they no longer do that, they continue to light two candles in remembrance: one for Sarah, another for Margie's sister who died of natural causes.

Sarah and her boyfriend, 20-year-old Earl E. "Chip" Smith III, were killed while traveling on County Road 350 South. Jeffrey A. Pedone Trout, 39, also was killed when he crossed the centerline and collided head-on with the car driven by Smith. Toxicology tests showed Trout had a blood-alcohol content of 0.27 percent, more than 21/2 times Indiana's then-legal limit of 0.10 percent.

Haynes said no two people grieve the same, especially around the holidays. The biggest thing, he said, is to take away the pressure of thinking you have to do all of the things you used to do before losing the loved one.

"Grief is the price we pay for love," he said. "Many bereaved people do come to enjoy the holidays again."

Haynes suggested grieving families hang the stocking of the loved one, write fond memories on a slip of paper and put those in the stocking. Or, he said, donate to charity the money the family would have spent on presents for the loved one.

Sobs echoed through the room Tuesday, as grieving family members walked to the front and lit their candles and spoke the names of those whose memories the flames represented.

"I'm just going to try and make it through the holidays with my boys," said Stormy Briddick of Attica, who attended the vigil with her three young sons.

Briddick's husband, 26-year-old Francis "Frank" Briddick, was killed while riding his motorcycle on Indiana 25 West when Brandon W. Smith drove left of center and struck Briddick.

Smith had a blood-alcohol content of 0.18 percent, and was sentenced to 10 years in prison and six years on probation for Briddick's death.

Stormy Briddick said she places a wreath on the cross planted near the site where her husband died. But, she said, it's hardest on her sons.